the watcher wondres if THIS is finally the atlantis book. i sure hope so, literally the only water book i remember and we STILL haven't hit it?  if it doesn't come soon we'll risk it happening during the REALLY grim parts of the books


~~~~

It has been a rough week. My oldest dog, Fenrir's voice actor (and who I also would record for spooky zampanio sounds), passed on. Tiniest, ugliest asshole pomeranian, but still loved.

But maybe reading will be the right level of 'not doing anything but doing something' to take my mind off things.


~~~

 i just can't getmmyself to read. 

 i think thats what stopped me reading animorphs last time.

 donut, my cat, died.


 ~~~

 i guess maybe eventually i'll read it and when i do this will be dated when i finish and not when my dog died and no one will ever know exactly when it happened.

 im.

 weirdly good at.

 hiding.

 my feelings.

 no one could tell, apparently, that the 1 year aniversary voice chat for sburbsim, the second time anyone ever heard myvoice...

 i had just come back from a very heart wrenching funeral.

 ~~~

i do feel better now, but ironically theres Too Many Things going on right now to read... Many good, though, so don't worry.

I saw a post on tumblr I related to, besides the thing about people telling tiny you 'it gets better'. 

And...

I don't think anyone told tiny me that?

Because Tiny Me's JOB was to hide how bad it was... No matter how many times child services were called or questions adults had about suspicious things...  Because if I didn't I'd be taken away and I'd go back to the orphanage and a "mean old lady named Geraldine" would adopt me and then I'd see how good I REALLY had it.  (i.e. that was what my parents told me would happen if i was taken from them, or if i was Bad enough they just gave me up) (i think mostly they were joking, but tiny me was extremely aware that sometimes jokes are threats)

I think thats why no one knew I had just come back from a funeral that second big sburbsim vc. 

I'm good at making sure no one asks questions?

I've been practicing deliberatelly not hiding my feelings for the right people or the right moments for a few years now.

It feels like manipulation, to tell the truth? Oddly enough. 

If I COULD have hidden my feelings, then to show them must have a motivation... Says my upbringing. 

Ah well.

I wonder if the Truth feeling like Lies is why I designed Truth like that.

~~~

https://animorphsdaily.tumblr.com/post/188791548873/so-you-mightve-mentioned-this-before-but-why-is

the watcher continues to read and posted this, they're on 38 by now.

im hella behind but.

just like before, even once the grief is gone, its hard to build the habit back up?

partly because im busy now.

gonna adopt some kittens soon...

partly because im playing more video games with the time (short though it was) i read animorphs each week

i have a whole ass comic i promised someone id read too
bluhhhhhh

i don't want to drpo this but its not currently a priority

i keep this file up though, so i don't forget, at least

~~~